©2019 by JayMCK

How I Almost Got Killed Over Toilet Paper

So following this COVID 19 pandemic, many Americans are ransacking the stores stocking up on goods like it's the Apocalypse. So I'm going to CVS to get some last minute study supplies. Then it dawned on me that I'm running out on toilet paper. I've been constipated for the last 3 weeks so toilet paper was the last thing on my mind. So I ask the clerk what isle it's in and she says isle 6. So I proceed to walk over as I see this Monmouth of a lady running full speed in my direction.

We are both looking for the toilet paper to see that there was only one pack left! To me this was more than just about whipping your ass, It was about survival. So the gentlemen in me was like c'mon dude , you really gonna fight this lady over some Sharmins Ultra Soft? But considering the fact that it was probably the last pack of toilet paper in a 50 mile radius I had no choice. This lady was scary though I can't lie. She was 6'2, had to be well over 210 and a mustache thicker than my own. She had this twitch in her eye as if she was one second from ending some ones life. As I stare at this beast of a women I question if it was worth getting swallowed whole for.

So she charged at me , took the toilet paper and ran off to the counter. She stiffed armed the lady that was behind her like she was Derrick Henry! I wasn't trippin because I noticed that one pack had fell on the floor behind the shelf. So I pick it up and proceed to the counter with relief. " That will be 10.60 ma'am. " The cashier says. The Lady scratches her head and says " that's odd, the shelf says it's on sale for 5 dollars". The cashier takes a big gulp and tells the lady that she picked up paper towels instead of toilet paper. Readers when I tell you the look on the Lady face was terrifying. Her face starts to turn red with rage. Mean while I'm standing there nonchalantly with my last pack of doo - doo wipers.

The lady slowly turns her head at me and sees that I had the toilet paper. I have done a lot of dangerous things In my life, but this was the only time I felt that my life was In question. I slowly took out my wallet to pay for it as she was salivating on the counter. I turned my back for one second to grab my rewards card and I hear " Sir look out". I quickly duck as the Ogar tried to take my head off! As she tried to Donkey Kong my skull in, she knocks over all the sodas and candy off the rack. Run !! says the cashier! So I put away my wallet and darted for the door. As the lady chased me out the door I felt like she was gaining on me. To shake her off I hit her with one of those Lamar Jackson jukes , But to no avail. I jump in my car and started it as fast as I could. This Big Bitch had so much speed and power she damn near out ran my Challenger! As I put my car in reverse I see her trying to get an angle to jump on my hood. Note if she did indeed manage to jump on my car it would cause major damage totaling it. So I to channel my inner NASCAR self. I maneuvered the car out harms way and drove off the lot ,leaving the Gigantic lady in a cloud of smoke.

Moral to the story people, lets not let this Corona Virus rob us of our common sense. We are not animals and just like the other pandemics this soon shall pass. I ensure you that there is enough 4 ply to go around so no need of risking your life like I just did today. Remember to subscribe for more stories and wash your hands and practice safe social distancing! Stay safe out there !

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